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Sony VAIO 13.3″ Core i5 Laptop

Use this: to write a review of itself (a digital Ouroboros).  Don’t use this: to patronize our competitors. That would be really mean.  The only way to make this better would be: if it were twice as powerful, twice as heavy, and five times shinier.  When it’s cold outside, this stays warm by: obstructing its […]

HP 17.3″ Dual-Core Laptop

Use this: to view really wide websites, like Don’t use this: as an ultra light-weight, portable camping stove. Because it is not that. If you owned this, people would say: “Looks like SOMEBODY’s trying to compensate for something. Possibly multi-tasking capabilities.” The genie living inside this item is named: H.P., The Perfectly Adequate Home […]

HP 17.3″ Dual-Core Laptop

“I know,” I’d tell them, and then I’d shrug them off. It didn’t seem like such a big deal, and I didn’t feel the need to talk shop about my new HP 17.3″ Dual-Core Laptop. I get it. Having Windows 8, 8GB DDR3 Memory, and a 1TB SATA hard drive on a laptop is great, […]

Asus 15.6″ Dual-Core i5 Laptop

Use this: to answer people when they ask, “Hey, you know that brand Asus? What kinds of stuff do they make?” Don’t use this: as a shirt. it’s a LAPtop, not “a top.” If you owned this, people would say: “That guy certainly isn’t a Mac snob!” Left to its own devices, this: would probably […]

iGo Laptop Travel Adapter

Use this: to keep your laptop charged. As long as its one of the compatible models listed in the Specs section. If it’s not, get the hell out of our store. We don’t want your business. Don’t use this: to charge the top of your actual lap. If you appear to have a charging jack […]

Lenovo ThinkPad 15.6″ Core i5 Laptop

ThinkPad. Sounds like just a fun name, right? But it’s not. It’s a terrifying truth! You see, the by-product of this laptop is not just heat and light. It’s thoughts. Really, really dumb thoughts. Every time you boot up the Intel Core i5-2520M dual-core processor, the Thinkpad releases 5-10 thoughts like, “Are porcupines really that […]

Lenovo 15.6″ Dual-Core i5 Laptop

Contrary to popular opinion, the world went for a very long time before the digital age. But how many lives were lost? How many mistakes were made? What tragedies could have been avoided if every human had been the owner of a 15.6″ Lenovo Laptop? Nikita Khrushchev, for example. Most famous for banging his shoe […]

Lenovo 14″ Dual-Core i7 Laptop

Use this: to make your ex-computer feel jealous. Don’t use this: to get over your ex-computer. These things take time, and rebound computer/user relationships never work out in the long run. Have fun, but don’t get too attached. The experts say: it takes half as long as your previous computer ownership period to get over […]

Asus 15.6″ Dual-Core i5 Laptop

We’re copywriters. We hate admitting when we’re speechless. But that little animation says more about the Asus i5 than words alone ever could. 15.6″ 1366×768 LED display. Intel Core i5-2450M dual-core processor. 750GB hard drive. USB 3.0. For that price, we should all “Dual-Core with it.” Specifications: Processor: Intel Core i5-2450M (2.5GHz) Processor Core: Dual-Core […]

Targus Laptop Charger w/ Phone Battery

Use this: to fill out your drawer full of cables and cords. Don’t use this: To charge a charger that is charging this charger, or you will create an infinite energy loop (see: Wormhole Creation). Benjamin Franklin said of this: “Right innovation is elegant innovation. Usually.” Left unattended in an airport, this item would be […]