Tuesday, February 21, 2012 // Woot
Siri Doesn’t Do Channel Changing As long as the batteries don’t die before I move, I’ll never have to bother finding my remote again. It’s gotta be somewhere around here, that’s all I know. It must be. I mean, the RCA Voice-Controlled 6 Device Universal Remote is still following all of the voice commands, macros, […]
Friday, February 17, 2012 // Woot
35 Hour Energy Hello, Duracell Tech Support? Yeah, I’ve got a kind of a weird question… Well, okay, so I was out pretty late last night, and then I had to open the coffee shop in the morning, and I was feeling really tired, and, you know, I wasn’t just out drinking Gatorade, so things […]
Wednesday, November 9, 2011 // Woot
Letters Home When you’ve got a new router like this D-Link, it’s a good idea to test the range. To: Leanne Milton From: Donald Milton Subject: My Progress Dearest Leanne, The ten minutes that we’ve been apart have been torture. I miss your sweet smile and your warm embrace. Still, I must continue on my […]
Wednesday, November 9, 2011 // Woot
Straight lines and 90 degree angles to the rescue In a town overtaken by hostile circles, a prophet had a vision of a rectangle that could save them all. “Tell us more,” said the townspeople. All of them were packed tightly into schoolhouse. The prophet stood at the front of the room. “Unlike the evil […]
Tuesday, October 25, 2011 // Woot
Energize Your Relationship Gosh, darling, in these flashing emergency lights, you really look lovely wrapped in that shock blanket. You know, we may never know why I grabbed these two iGo Power Smart Wall Surge Protectors on my way out of your burning apartment, Janey. It seems so random, doesn’t it? I mean, with all […]
Monday, October 24, 2011 // Woot
One-Man Volunteer Fire Department “Did somebody say ‘fire’? Stand back! I’m calling in a NitroStrike!” Um, sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you’re gonna have to turn off that boombox inside the restaurant. “No way! It’s my theme song! I can’t launch a NitroStrike without it! Now stand back and my NitroStrike […]
Wednesday, October 12, 2011 // Woot
Scourge of the Seafood For the crime of wanton deliciousness, Captain Shrimpbeard, I sentence you to walk the plank! “No! Please! I’ll go straight, I swear!” ‘Tis far too late to repent! You’ve tormented my taste buds too long! Once you’ve served out your sentence on this 100% natural untreated Western Red Cedar grilling plank, […]
Tuesday, October 11, 2011 // Woot
We Claim Parody, Thanks In Advance I don’t know why I’m getting sued. All I said on the flyer was that I had a new 12” Circular Grill from Deni’s. I figured hey, truth is a defense, right? And I really do own a Deni 12” Circular Grill, so who cares about the apostrophe, especially […]
Monday, September 26, 2011 // Woot
Oh sure, “man’s best friend.” Sure you love your dog, but there are limits. You talk a good game, bragging about how you “WUUUUUUUV” your “widdle puppertins SOOOOOOOOO much!” But when push comes to shove, how many of you put your money where your mouth is? Or more specifically, put your hands where your dog’s […]
Tuesday, September 13, 2011 // Woot
I’ll Be Driving Screws (Forever) Most fans give the boys in the band flowers or teddy bears or underpants. I prefer to give them something they can use. This is why you should let me backstage instead of any of these other howling idiots. Keep me from my mission, sir, and I vow I shall […]
