Thursday, July 12, 2012 // Woot
You’ll be sitting on the front porch, watching the kids play in the yard and sipping a cool drink when The Man Who Broke Your Heart appears on the sidewalk across the street. Why today, of all days? Does he even remember it’s your birthday? “Boys,” you’ll say as you stand up to get a […]
Friday, July 6, 2012 // Woot
Maurice had already gone home for the day. Jimmy was sitting alone at the front desk, reading a magazine. It was five minutes before closing at Ruttles, and the cash drawer was almost completely balanced. If no other customer came in, Jimmy would be out the door on time. And that was when he saw […]
Sunday, May 13, 2012 // Woot
Not All Mommies Are External Today I, the Neato XV-12 All Floor Robotic Vacuum System, am celebrating my motherboard. Yes, fleshlings. You feel attachment to the loving shell from which you spawned, but you will never know the joy a robot feels for its motherboard. Because, unlike you, a Neato XV-12 All Floor Robotic Vacuum […]
Sunday, April 8, 2012 // Woot
The World Needed a Hero to Clean things up You can always rely on your Neato XV-12 All Floor Robotic Vacuum, even after everything’s fallen apart. Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow is an important day in our history. At exactly 6am, the sirens will wake us, and we will go to the polls to elect the […]
Thursday, March 29, 2012 // Woot
Use Responsibly This Dyson will sure help you clean. AND THAT’S THE ONLY THING IT WILL DO, YOU UNDERSTAND? Before using your Dyson DC33 Multi Floor Vacuum, please read and sign the Responsible User Statement. I [owner’s name] promise to use this Dyson DC33 Multi Floor Vacuum for the purpose of cleaning and cleaning only. […]
Tuesday, March 20, 2012 // Woot
If all goes according to plan The Neato XV-12 is an intelligent, efficient machine. That’s important to know when planning a heist. Here are the facts as we have them: 1. Millionaire Marco Vidalli is notoriously clumsy. 2. Having come by his fortune through less-than-legal means, he fears having his actions recorded, and so has […]
Friday, March 16, 2012 // Woot
Can’t spell Neato without N-O Even a Neato XV-12 All Floor Robotic Vacuum can have a hard time living clean. Naturally, I was excited at first. What an honor, right? Manny Southdakota had chosen me to be his full-time cleaning robot. The Manny Southdakota, famed for his lavish fortune and his love of gadgets! Now, […]
Wednesday, February 22, 2012 // Woot
If all goes according to plan The Neato XV-12 is an intelligent, efficient machine. That’s important to know when planning a heist. Here are the facts as we have them: 1. Millionaire Marco Vidalli is notoriously clumsy. 2. Having come by his fortune through less-than-legal means, he fears having his actions recorded, and so has […]
Tuesday, February 21, 2012 // Woot
Promotes Clean Floors And Unrealistic Body Image Have you seen how thin Dyson is looking these days? I’m kind of worried about it. I read in In Touch Weekly that it’s down to just 4.85 pounds. That can’t be good for it! Of course, my first thought was “eating disorder”. But my friend waited on […]
Thursday, February 16, 2012 // Woot
Promotes Clean Floors And Unrealistic Body Image Have you seen how thin Dyson is looking these days? I’m kind of worried about it. I read in In Touch Weekly that it’s down to just 4.85 pounds. That can’t be good for it! Of course, my first thought was “eating disorder”. But my friend waited on […]
