Monday, May 21, 2012 // Woot
No Regrets The last thing you want to worry about on your deathbed is where the receipt to the television you bought eight years ago is. Come closer, son. I can feel the icy fingers of Death upon my most ticklish of bits, and I must share something with you before I go. I am […]
Wednesday, May 9, 2012 // Woot
Life Sucks This vacuum is perfect for picking up the pieces of my broken life. After my wife left me, I lost my job, an isolated earthquake struck my house, and my kids tried to burn down what was left of my house with me inside to collect life insurance, I really didn’t know what […]
Thursday, April 19, 2012 // Woot
You’ve got to take charge! Welcome to the conference! Who’s ready to make a BILLION dollars?! Hey, Airport Hilton Express Conference Room 2, how’s it shakin’?! Reese Little here, and I’ve got just one question for you all today: are you ready to be rich? I can’t hear you. Are YOU ready to be RICH?! […]
Sunday, April 15, 2012 // Woot
Back Once Again Oh no. You’re not coming back into this warehouse, buddy. Not by a long shot. Don’t try to sweet talk me with your Beats Audio™ voice and promises of an open source operating system. You think you can just drop in whenever you want, stare into my eyes with your pretty 9.7” […]
Monday, April 2, 2012 // Woot
Evading The Question I’m sorry, sir, I’m just a document scanner. I can’t advise you on your theory that the IRS is unconstitutional. I’m afraid there’s been a misunderstanding. I’m not an attorney, an accountant, a professional tax preparer, or a “sovereign citizen magistrate”, whatever that is. I’m a NeatDesk Desktop Scanner. If you want […]
Tuesday, March 20, 2012 // Woot
Dander You Do, Dander You Don’t These Dyson vacuums have really cheapened the hobby of pet-hair collecting. These kids today have no idea what it used to take to build a really good collection. I once drove 400 miles to a convention to buy a wisp of red-sable Pomeranian hair for $ 60 – and […]
Tuesday, March 6, 2012 // Woot
Dander You Do, Dander You Don’t These Dyson vacuums have really cheapened the hobby of pet-hair collecting. These kids today have no idea what it used to take to build a really good collection. I once drove 400 miles to a convention to buy a wisp of red-sable Pomeranian hair for $ 60 – and […]
Tuesday, February 21, 2012 // Woot
Promotes Clean Floors And Unrealistic Body Image Have you seen how thin Dyson is looking these days? I’m kind of worried about it. I read in In Touch Weekly that it’s down to just 4.85 pounds. That can’t be good for it! Of course, my first thought was “eating disorder”. But my friend waited on […]
Thursday, February 16, 2012 // Woot
Promotes Clean Floors And Unrealistic Body Image Have you seen how thin Dyson is looking these days? I’m kind of worried about it. I read in In Touch Weekly that it’s down to just 4.85 pounds. That can’t be good for it! Of course, my first thought was “eating disorder”. But my friend waited on […]
Saturday, November 12, 2011 // Woot
The Vacuum Is Yours (If You Buy It) You need people like me so you can point your freakin’ fingers and say, “That’s the guy who keeps a messy house.” Oh! You startled me, Mr. Montana! I didn’t see you glaring there. I’ll be just a minute more, and then everything will be nice and […]
