Monday, March 25, 2013 // Woot
Use this: to reach lacrosse the aisle. Don’t use this: to convince people that you went to Harvard. For that, buy a Harvard sweatshirt, because Harvard grads are the only ones who ever wear Harvard sweatshirts. In 99.9% of uses, this doesn’t: block all your shot attempts while shouting obscenities at you. Lost in the […]
Monday, March 25, 2013 // Woot
When I first met Mopetta, it was love at first sight. Everyone said it was just a fling but I knew, man, I knew. We both loved to clean, and sure, I did it far more efficiently (thanks to my 220 airwatts of suction power) but I never felt like I was dumbing myself down […]
Monday, March 25, 2013 // Woot
Poor naive kid. Doesn’t he know that if you’re gonna run away, you shouldn’t leave a trail behind? Or in this case, 12′ of flexible train track. When I was 9, my mom wouldn’t let me go camping with my friends, so I ran away to the tool shed out back. After awhile, I got […]
Monday, March 25, 2013 // Woot
Use this: to show those targets you take orders from no man. Or piece of paper. Or soda can. Or tomato. Don’t use this: if you think it’s an airbrush. Damage to vehicles, apparel, or people could result. If this item were a U.S. president, it would be: Martin Van Breakbarrel. The only way to […]
Monday, March 25, 2013 // Woot
Patrolling the streets at night, I am the final bulwark between this city’s criminal class and its law-abiding citizens. Call it vigaliteism; call it martial law; call it what you want to call it, but no criminal is safe from my crippling brand of wordplay. They call me: THE GROANER. Armed with a self-wrought arsenal […]
Monday, March 25, 2013 // Woot
A fine wine isn’t just to display. A fine wine is for drinking! Pop the cork and pour a glass in the face of destiny and scream THIS! THIS IS THE WINE MY HOUSE HAS BROUGHT YOU! CONQUER IT IF YOU CAN! and then throw a cracker on the floor and grind it into the […]
Monday, March 25, 2013 // Woot
“Mooooooom. Gavin’s using Apple AirPlay technology to play Nihilist on his Klipsch G-17 Airplay Wireless Speakers again!” Gavin, please stop torturing your brother with obscure Swedish death metal. “Mom! Nihilist is FAR from obscure! Do you even KNOW who Leffe Cuzner is?!” Isn’t he that little friend of yours with the stubby thumb? “UGH! No! […]
Sunday, March 24, 2013 // Woot
“Hey man, you got any AA batteries I can borrow?” What for? “Oh, just my wireless mouse.” No, sorry. Sure don’t. “Wait … what are these?” Yeah, you can’t use those. Those are the rainbow batteries. “The what?” The rainbow batteries. You know, the batteries they use to power rainbows. They’re charging right now on […]
Sunday, March 24, 2013 // Woot
:::BEEP BOOP BOOP::: You are now connected to the conference call. Please state your name. “Rick.” “Jessica here.” “Todd.” “:::heavy breathing::: Margot.” “OK, well thanks for calling in everyone. I just wanted to take a minute to …” “:::heavy breathing::: ahhhh.” “Margot … is that you? You OK?” “Yeah, Todd. :::heavy breathing::: I’m calling on […]
Sunday, March 24, 2013 // Woot
Sometimes when people are feeling romantic, they’ll put on some music, light up some candles and drink some wine. Then they’ll snuggle up with the one they love, perhaps in a bubble bath or even a jacuzzi, and feed each other romantic things like chocolate strawberries, or just chocolate or just strawberries, by the soft […]
