Tuesday, February 12, 2013 // Woot
Sure. Things are pretty great for you now, Fissler Passion knives. You’re the five most popular knives in your stunning beechwood block right now. But heed my warning. Don’t let it go to your corrosion-resistant chromium molybdenum vanadium steel heads. One day, and sooner than you think, someone is going to look at your hand-ground […]
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 // Woot
Bailiff Daddy, bring forth the next defendant! Ah, yes, creamed spinach. It says here you’ve stolen over twenty-five different automobiles. No, no, now is not the time to repent, my lad! That was somewhere around automobile the fifth! Today it is your turn to face justice. Justice most harsh! Have you any statements? No? Very […]
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 // Woot
FROM: Ted Gahrlin [bimberdilly@geemail.com] TO: Aster Lohr [gerizilybare@geemail.com] SUBJECT: This weekend Hey man, I saw on Facebook that you’ll be in town this weekend. I’ve got a Kelty Queen Size Sleep Eazy Air Bed if you need a place to stay. -TG FROM: Aster Lohr [gerizilybare@geemail.com] TO: Ted Gahrlin [bimberdilly@geemail.com] SUBJECT: re: This weekend Hi […]
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 // Woot
What’s that you say? “Curo” might not be a direct translation of “Care” in that sense? Huh. OK. Guess our spellcheck didn’t catch it or something. Weird. What’s that? Spellcheck wouldn’t be able to identify a slight mistranslation like that? Guess not. But something should have — maybe our editors or our dad or Google […]
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 // Woot
Ty Caton was one of the very first to partner with an up-and-coming site known as Wine.Woot, and anyone who’ll take a stupid chance like that has GOT to know they have a good product. That’s why we’re always happy to have a Ty Caton wine on our burgundy-colored front page, and why we think […]
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 // Woot
We’ll happily admit that language is made to change. That’s the beauty of our species, right? We can reason, solve problems, and come up with better and more original solutions as our brains evolve. This allows us to move from “The droghte of march hath perced to the roote,” to “Oooo, lousy Smarch weather!” But […]
Monday, February 11, 2013 // Woot
Use this: if, through some remarkable boon of fortune, you are neither blind NOR deaf. Don’t use this: if your neighbors score above 8 on the Universal Crotchety Index. The experts say: the 1000:1 contrast ration provides deep blacks. Also: Do you know anyone who’s hiring a TV expert? The insects that will come pouring […]
Monday, February 11, 2013 // Woot
Use this: because it folds up with the push of a button, offers a 15% incline, is cushioned to be easier on your joints, and dispenses marshmallow sundaes when you meet your fitness goals. (One of these claims is not true.) Don’t use this: if you get lightheaded at the words SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED. It’ll […]
Monday, February 11, 2013 // Woot
You see, when I was a younger man, I had big dreams of becoming a chef. But it just wasn’t meant to be. I did the impossible. I found hot spots where heavy gauge construction said hot spots weren’t supposed to be. And where food was supposed to release easily from the 3-layer, long-lasting nonstick […]
Monday, February 11, 2013 // Woot
Ah, my dear cousin. Baby Nari, they called you. Now they call you Nari, Queen of Scots. And soon? Soon they will call you another forgotten soul who fell beneath my reign. “So, um-“ “I know, Kid, I know. Just … just don’t say anything. Pretend it’s not a Baby Nari Hip Hugger the Queen […]
