Sunday, February 3, 2013 // Woot
The name’s Ida Finkelstein-Brown, but my friends all call me Spawkles. You can too if you play your cards right, Toots. Why Spawkles? I suppose it’s on account of all my shiny bips and bops. If it catches light and reflects it, I gotta have it. Take, for instance, this Spawkling Shirazy here. They say […]
Sunday, February 3, 2013 // Woot
I tried cat after dog after cat. Any chance of an emotional connection was ruined because of the whole hair-and-dander thing. Sure, the NEATO XV-21 Pet & Allergy Robotic Vac did a pretty good job cleaning it all up. But it couldn’t address the emotional issues. I know it’s irrational, but I just kept thinking […]
Saturday, February 2, 2013 // Woot
Use this: to play matchmaker… with your devices. Don’t use this: if you’re looking for something that removes redness and has an ingredient to moisturize. If this were a sports broadcaster, it would say: “I fi with my little eye, A TOUCHDOWN!” At the local watering hole, this would order: a sloe gin fizz. Get […]
Saturday, February 2, 2013 // Woot
“Honey. Don’t you think it’s a little early to be thinking about potty training for the baby? She can’t even walk yet.” Oh, this 3-in-1 potty system isn’t for her. “Um. Okay. Well then, while I appreciate the gesture, I’m a little too grown up for Lightning McQueen.” I know that, dear. “And I don’t […]
Saturday, February 2, 2013 // Woot
Use this: only if you air on the side of caution. Don’t use this: to rifle through things. If this were a sports broadcaster, it would say: “Oh, shoot! They lost!” The only way to make this better would be: if it could make an omelet once in a while. Seriously! Is that too much […]
Saturday, February 2, 2013 // Woot
Yeah, it’s cool. Not like we’re still in high school, right? But boy, those were the days. I remember hanging out by the lockers, wearing a pink polo, poppin’ the ol’ collar and talking about Maroon 5. Here, hold this colorful silicone bowl for a second. No, not like that, that’s how a poseur would […]
Saturday, February 2, 2013 // Woot
– Okay, sweetums, Momma’s gonna strap you down in your widdle Cybex Ruby Stroller now! Yes, she is! Yes, she is! – Karen, you’re talking to a lasagna. – Diane, shh! You’ll hurt his feelings and ruin his self-esteem! Auntie Diane didn’t mean, it, sweetums, she’s just projecting. – Projecting! Karen, you’ve got a lasagna […]
Saturday, February 2, 2013 // Woot
Bikes are dangerous. Not as dangerous as sharks, but more dangerous then sitting, as long as you’re not talking about sitting on a bike, in which case bikes are exactly as dangerous as sitting, but that’s cheating, so forget it. Bikes are way more dangerous than standing still and looking at a wall, but less […]
Saturday, February 2, 2013 // Woot
Excerpts from the journal of Dr. Flufflesworth, mad feline scientist: “Some days, I feel invincible. Other days, I think to myself, if I am unable to capture the red dot that occasionally enters the room from who knows where, how can I expect to conquer the giant green and blue dot known as Earth?” “I […]
Saturday, February 2, 2013 // Woot
Remember last year, Captain Forgetful? When you came home to a crying wife, a disappointed husband, a glaring girlfriend, or a boyfriend holding a six-thousand dollar ring and wondering what HE would be getting? Remember how you felt, having absolutely nothing to give in order to cover your heartless, unfeeling, love-hating butt? Well, this year, […]
