Thursday, January 3, 2013 // Woot
An Open Letter To My Least Favorite Wines: Gentlebottles, we’ve had our differences over the years. But we’ve always treated each other with respect, if not love. Do you remember the time, 1994 Merlot That Tasted Like Cork, that I didn’t pour you out immediately? No, I might have been young, but I said “I […]
Thursday, January 3, 2013 // Woot
Hello friends, family, and countryman, My hands are freezing cold right now, so I’ll keep this brief. I am sending you this email from the tip-top Mount Rainier, the highest mountain in the continental United States, to prove that my HP Pavilion is toppest laptop that exists in all the land. Now, you’re probably thinking […]
Wednesday, January 2, 2013 // Woot
You know when you’re watching, uh…y’know…um, art films late at night in the privacy of your own home and in accordance with federal, state, and community decency guidelines and you can’t help but feel like something’s missing? It’s those tinny, stock speakers in your laptop! Seriously! You need immersion, if you know what we’re saying. […]
Wednesday, January 2, 2013 // Woot
Use this: if you believe pockets belong on the back. Don’t use this: if your name is Sierra. Because then it would be Sierra’s Sierra backpack, and that’s really hard to say. Lost in the wilderness with only this product, you could survive by: eating one of the many sandwiches inside of it and drinking […]
Wednesday, January 2, 2013 // Woot
“Mom, I got you something today. Don’t move, okay?” Chastity ran to the other room to get the Corelle Dinnerware she had purchased, as a gift. “Here you go! Break and chip resistant!” “Well, thank you, Chastity! They’re very nice, and it’s wonderful that you’d give me such a thoughtful gift, but … why now?” […]
Wednesday, January 2, 2013 // Woot
“The year is 2313. The place: your backyard.” Jake spoke into the flashlight below his chin. Ella stared at him through the dark. Olivia didn’t, but even she had to admit that Jake was quite the showman when he wanted to be. “A quiet space janitor stares at the piles of diapers. If only, he […]
Wednesday, January 2, 2013 // Woot
“All right, team. Too long has Sellout.Woot been the laughingstock of the dot-Woot world. 2013 shall be a new chapter in the Sellout.Woot story, one in which we stop selling random oddball items, and start pushing serious inventory. So what have you got?” “I hear ya, boss. That’s why I bought a bunch of Thomas […]
Wednesday, January 2, 2013 // Woot
Okay. You love books. Great. I am glad you have reached a point in your life where you feel comfortable making such a banal and uncontroversial statement. The world would be a better place if everyone shared your bravery, I guess. Hmm? No, I’m not against you loving books. I love books myself. It’s just […]
Wednesday, January 2, 2013 // Woot
The Masked Grape of Santa Barbara had struck again. The evil Governor Tanin Valencia Ignatius Rodriguez IV had returned to one of his many grape mines to find his stock stolen, his men defeated, and his property defaced with the Masked Grape’s trademark “Y”. “Who IS this grape!” he shouted, pounding his fist against the […]
Wednesday, January 2, 2013 // Woot
In a chef’s life, many doors will close. A good set of knives can prepare them. For once you can master the Shun, truly, you have mastered life itself. STAGE ONE: THE NEOPHYTE Oh, with your Utility knife, they will laugh. “What good are you, small one? Go back to opening jars of Paul Newman’s […]
