Tuesday, February 21, 2012 // Woot
Love Like Opera No, Javier. Don’t stop me. I can’t handle your unreliability any more. When we met, Javier, knowing you were a swordfighting shark trainer who also gambled in race cars, that really reached something in me. But now, now I see that you’re nothing but an unstable roustabout, using those sharks to hide […]
Tuesday, February 21, 2012 // Woot
Oh quit whining. Look, do you want a dentist who’s conventional or a dentist who gets the job done? Just calm down, Jerry. I know it can be tough adjusting to a new dentist, but I assure you I’m completely qualified to- “Get the hell away from me with that thing!” Relax! This is just […]
Monday, February 20, 2012 // Woot
One Knife To Live Dear Kristen, remember how you said you could never love a man who didn’t have a decent knife? Well, guess what? I’m back: a couple of pounds heavier, several hundred lonely nights wiser, and packing some serious bladeage with my new Kershaw Knives. How ya love me now? Also, that thing […]
Sunday, February 19, 2012 // Woot
All right, roll for initiative! Kyle, put down your laptop and focus on the tabletop RPG at hand. Okay, you guys encounter a Gelatinous Cube. “Seriously?” “That’s like, one of the stereotypically-lamest D&D monsters ever.” Yeah? Well you can say that to its face now that it’s in front of you and menacing the party. […]
Saturday, February 18, 2012 // Woot
In Flight Just because you’re flying, doesn’t mean you need to stop flying. All phones must be powered down for takeoff. Smart phones may be used in flight as long as they are set to airplane mode. And now, we’d like to review our policy in regards to the iFly Heli GYRO 3.5CH RC Helicopter. […]
Friday, February 17, 2012 // Woot
35 Hour Energy Hello, Duracell Tech Support? Yeah, I’ve got a kind of a weird question… Well, okay, so I was out pretty late last night, and then I had to open the coffee shop in the morning, and I was feeling really tired, and, you know, I wasn’t just out drinking Gatorade, so things […]
Thursday, February 16, 2012 // Woot
Promotes Clean Floors And Unrealistic Body Image Have you seen how thin Dyson is looking these days? I’m kind of worried about it. I read in In Touch Weekly that it’s down to just 4.85 pounds. That can’t be good for it! Of course, my first thought was “eating disorder”. But my friend waited on […]
Wednesday, February 15, 2012 // Woot
The Memo ATTN: ALL STAFF: The following are some clarifications regarding the new Microsoft Notebook Cooling Base you all were recently assigned: 1: Though inter-office competition is certainly an acceptable way to increase productivity and keep spirits high, it has come to my attention that currently there are games of “freeze tag” that last between […]
Tuesday, February 14, 2012 // Woot
This is a big commitment. Are you ready to take the next step in avoiding your fitness? Alright. It’s time to get serious. No more excuses. No more “I can’t find the time” or “I’m just too tired to go to the gym.” This is your body we’re talking about. This is your health. This […]
Monday, February 13, 2012 // Woot
The Dirty Three Dozen They also serve who only read their lines. Atten-HUT! Listen up, you squishy globs of mule diarrhea! You’ve been asked here today to perform your sacred duty for your country, and I’d sooner give Ho Chi Minh a lap dance than let you pimple-butted pinworms fumble this mission on my watch! […]
