Saturday, March 9, 2013 // Woot
Use this: to extract pleasure from your sound card, as a vampire bat extracts succulent blood from a haunch. Don’t use this: to talk to your mom on Skype, unless you are playing some kind of game with her. Some kind of MIND GAME. If this were a sports broadcaster, it would say: “I’m wearing […]
Saturday, March 9, 2013 // Woot
Use this: to ride the trailz without killing your legs. Don’t use this: to ride the trails. C’mon! Z is the new s. In 99.9% of uses, this doesn’t: just start revving its engine to challenge the guys in the Camaro to a drag race. At a karaoke bar, this product sings: “The Ballad of […]
Saturday, March 9, 2013 // Woot
“Mind if I grab a soda from the fridge?” No, not at all. “Cool, thanks. Hey, what’s up with all the empty Lock & Lock storage containers in here?” Oh, those aren’t empty. “Really? Cuz I have a pretty unobstructed view straight through the hollow-center silicone in all of them.” It’s this new therapist I’ve […]
Saturday, March 9, 2013 // Woot
This Kiddy Adventure pack has pretty much everything you’ll need to enjoy a nice walk or hike with your little one: A multi-level height-adjustable back support, an integrated sun and rain shield, side and rear reflectors. Everything, that is, except a projectile slime shield for you. Only a moron would take a sick kid on […]
Saturday, March 9, 2013 // Woot
“Surprise!” “Oh my gosh, look at the apartment! What did you do?” “I made a special dinner for our anniversary. You always say I can’t cook, and I wanted to prove you wrong, so I made eggplant parm with our new Kuhn Rikon Cutting Board set.” “Honey, that’s so sweet, but — wait a minute.” […]
Saturday, March 9, 2013 // Woot
The foot bone’s connected to the… leg bone. And the leg bone’s connected to the… knee bone. The knee bone’s connected to the… upper leg bone. The upper leg bone’s connected to the… panda bone. The panda bone’s connected to the… tree bone (metaphorically speaking, as in the panda bone really relies on the tree […]
Saturday, March 9, 2013 // Woot
When the drinking time is near! McClean Syrah! McClean Syrah! We are glad this wine is near! McClean Syrah! And we find the greatest thing’s! McClean Syrah! McClean Syrah! The three two-packs of which we sing! McClean Syrah! For if palates have red fruits! McClean Syrah! McClean Syrah! And if the wine works well […]
Saturday, March 9, 2013 // Woot
If the best thing you have to do on a Saturday is check this crappy deals website, chances are you’re clinically depressed. Psychologists say that extra daylight can help you snap out of the blues, and Daylight Savings Time is just around the corner, so your crippling melencholy might be nearing an end. But hey, […]
Friday, March 8, 2013 // Woot
Grape juice. Grape skins. One would think that when they meet, the two of them would just be bored. After all, one knows they spend so much of their life together, right? And yet, when the folks of Rutherford Hill let them meet, the brief collision produces a pretty red color that catches one’s eye […]
Friday, March 8, 2013 // Woot
“You don’t say? That’s nice to hear these days. So what are we doing for you today? Trim the front and leave it nice and long in back? Or maybe a cute little mohawk?” “No! Just, you know, trim it a little all over, or whatever. Start with the one-inch attachment and make it look […]
