Thursday, February 7, 2013 // Woot
Cyberfurniture. Cybershampoo. Cyberbeef. I live my life according to one simple credo: if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing cyber. Is it always easy? No. Is it always worth it? Yes. I suffered for a long time before I found a heart surgeon who was willing to perform a cyberbypass, but I’d do it […]
Thursday, February 7, 2013 // Woot
Use these: for working out or leisure. Or leisurely working out. Don’t wear these: over jeans. Belieeeeeve us. When irradiated, this product will bite you, giving you the power of: an unemployed Millennial seeking her yoga instructor certification. In 99.9% of uses, this doesn’t: rip entirely in half during downward-facing dog. Benjamin Franklin said of […]
Thursday, February 7, 2013 // Woot
“King Memory Foam looked down from upon his upholstered headboard throne and surveyed his dominion. Three dirty socks and a single roller skate dotted the landscape. His trusty Labrador steed, Patches, lay in wait at his feet. Suddenly, a knock!” “‘Who dares disturb me whilst I settle down for my evening slumber? The convection cooled […]
Thursday, February 7, 2013 // Woot
Do you remember watching Space:1999? Or Star Trek? Or Doctor Who? Or The Prisoner? In every one of those shows, there was someone with a cool office, and a cool chair, and a cool desk. And every kid who saw them thought WOW! I WANT A DESK THAT LOOKS LIKE THE ONE ON insert show […]
Thursday, February 7, 2013 // Woot
“I came as soon as I saw the flare! Are you OK?” No. No I am not OK. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” We’re out of coffee. “Arnie, we discussed this. Coffee is not an emergency that requires the use of a 360-degree flashing strobe light.” Says you. I’m having caffeine withdrawals. “Why didn’t you […]
Thursday, February 7, 2013 // Woot
Algernon yawned contemptuously and looked to the setting sun. Night was falling, and he had not yet been fed. The human had forgotten to feed him — again. The obese cat licked his paw and weighed his available options. He could kill the human, of course, but that would yield but momentary pleasure and create […]
Thursday, February 7, 2013 // Woot
Step right up, Ladies and Gents! Step right up! Witness the miraculous healing power of this amazing and wondrous elixir of life, Fast & Up! Made in Switzerland and used by professional athletes, it’s exactly what you need after extended physical activity (or a late night at the bar, OH EH!) for mental focus. This […]
Thursday, February 7, 2013 // Woot
1. In a manila envelope 2. Under the insulation in your attic or crawlspace 3. Left out on the kitchen counter with a sign reading DO NOT ROT 4. In a pillbox hat 5. Smeared all over the inside of your glove compartment 6. Inside an acoustic guitar 7. In dozens of 0.25-oz. individual containers […]
Wednesday, February 6, 2013 // Woot
This product grants its owner: freedom from having to recognize text now that you have a scanner with Intelligent Text Recognition. Eventually your capacity for symbolic communication will wither away entirely, like a vestigial tail. If you owned this, people would say: pretty much whatever they say about you now, unless you hang out with […]
Wednesday, February 6, 2013 // Woot
Use this: to pedal well. Don’t use this: to peddle goods. Lost in the wilderness with only this product, you could survive by: trading it with a wild man for a moving bike. I mean, they’re already in the wild. It’s not like they’re going anywhere, right? If you traveled to the past, people would […]
