Bag of Crap – $3.00
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
*Bag of Crap LXVII: Organic, free trade, locally-sourced crap.
Now you can buy crap in good conscience.
This is a new era, you know. The days of giant, faceless corporations strip-mining the hills for junk are over. We understand that our customers today want healthy, responsible alternatives. Consumer activism means making a difference with your dollars, so you don’t have to do stuff like protest or deal with poor people or vote.
That’s why we’re proud to offer bags of crap that are responsibly-sourced from proud, noble crap farmers. Not those shriveled, mistreated ones the giant conglomerates exploit. You can tell because we put a picture of our farmers right there on the box. We make sure to tell you a story about how they get a fair price for their crop.
We also use only crap that is free of pesticides, herbicides, regicides, Ides of March, St. Ides, and any other ides that might make you feel bad. Totally organic. That means it’s better. Trust the marketing department us.
And our crap comes from right down the street. See, burning petrochemicals to ship out-of-season crap from halfway across the globe just doesn’t make sense when you can walk down to the Farmers’ Market and meet your crap farmer face to face.
But the most important thing is the sense of smug superiority you’ll be able to wear like so much cheap cologne that your crap is better than everyone else’s, because you had to pay six times more for it.
THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.0
I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.
II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.
III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.
IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.
V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.
Comments
Comments are closed.