An Inevitable Fate

Saturday, August 4, 2012

The Lord of the Rings. Yeah, I thought they did a decent job with the movies, but if I had my way, the ring would’ve been a way bigger character.

Yeah, that’s right – the Ring itself! I mean, c’mon! It’s in, like, every scene and no lines? You gotta give that thing a voice and let it make some wisecracks! Like, when Gollum calls it his precious, the ring could be like, “Take it easy sugar! You hardly know me!”

Or when Frodo puts it on for the first time and sees the fire-eye-thing, the ring could be like, “You know, she’s not everyone’s type, but when I look her in the eyes, she seems pretty hot.”

And it wouldn’t just be for comic relief; there’s also the opportunity for spin-offs. Like, Little Ring in the Big City, where it’s a thousand years later and the ring ends up in an antique shop in Manhattan (you’d have to explain that it didn’t melt after all). Or R.I.N.G. and where it’s like a covert strike team of jewelry. Or The Bell Rings, where the Ring needs to go back and complete his senior year of high school after discovering his diploma is a fake. The possibilities are endless!

Wear this shirt: while you’re reading a book about yourself.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you were more a Redwall fan anyway.

This shirt tells the world: “I constantly shock myself.”

We call this color: black circle of ash where the ring used to be.

Woot