Dyson DC35 Digital Slim Vacuum

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Your wife will just love this Dyson Digital Slim Vacuum. It only weighs 4.85 pounds, so her weak, febrile wrists will be able to hold it up. And she won’t damage her unmentionable baby-producing parts by hauling it up and down the stairs. It’s powered by Root Cyclone technology and a Dyson digital motor, which is apparently important for vacuuming, though I have no idea as I’ve never used one (naturally).

Oh, don’t be put off by my anachronistic male chauvinism. It’s just that I’m a big “Mad Men” fan, and weave the show into every aspect of my life. The more I’ve been doing it, the more I realize they might have been onto something back in the 60s. I mean, every time I step out on my wife, I just buy her a new washing machine or vacuum, and my suffocating guilt is temporarily washed away. No problem.

And for alleviating remorse, you couldn’t do better than this Dyson. She’ll love the quick-charging lithium-ion battery (though you don’t need to confuse her with all those big words), and she’ll keep her hands as clean as an alabaster doll with the easy-empty canister. Why, she’ll keep the house so spotless that you’ll rarely be infuriated with her.

A word to the wise: Don’t get a vacuum as nice as this for your assistant. She’ll start getting the wrong idea, and pretty soon you’ll have the entire female world turned against you (the succubi). So stick to a pack of smokes for your secretary and keep things simple.

The Postal Service now forbids shipping lithium batteries, or any items containing them, outside the US. We need a stateside physical address within the 48 contiguous states to ship your order to. Sorry, APO/FPO customers.

In the Box:

• Dyson DC35 Multi Floor Vacuum (Choose: Blue or Purple)
• Lithium-Ion Battery
• AC/DC Power Adapter
• Wall Mountable Battery Charging Base (Docking Station)
• Quick Start Guide
• Combination Accessory Tool
• Crevice Tool
• Operating Manual

Woot