iRobot Roomba 530 Robotic Vacuum

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Roomba scooted across the floor, dutifully cleaning the area as she always did, slowing only when she got near Craig. There was something wrong with him, a spot on his heart that yearned to be cleaned, she could feel it in her sensors, and her sturdy Bristle Brush ached to clean it for him.

“Look at him,” she transmitted to her Virtual Wall. “He’s been sitting there and staring at that phone. Didn’t he call that tramp hours ago?” Roomba could barely contain her rage. “Ugh. Whatever. He’s probably better off.”

Virtual Wall scoffed from his place near the door to the kitchen. “What? It’s Saturday night. How many times have we seen him do this, huh? Months? Years, even? You think it should be different because he actually called someone? Besides, he’s the one who screwed it up, not her.”

Roomba’s beater brush swept the crumbs next to the couch into the confines of her bagless dirt bin. “Doughnuts,” she said. “He only eats doughnuts when he’s depressed. Poor thing. He just needs someone who understands what he’s like. He needs someone who appreciates his quirks.”

“What he needs is a clean floor,” Virtual Wall told her. “Now focus before you drain your rechargeable battery worrying over the bum.”

“But don’t you see, Wall? I know how he feels! I know what it’s like to give your all to someone only to be discarded and returned.”

“You think you’re the only Roomba in the world who’s been refurbished? Perhaps you’ve forgotten I was right along side you, huh?”

“You know what I mean, Virtual Wall. I’m talking emotionally.”

“You are an automated vacuum on wheels that picks up after him.”

“And you’re always holding me back!”

“Oh, go to your self-charging station and pine away, for all I care. Just keep me out of it.”

Roomba huffed as she slid along the wall, edge cleaning with her sidebrush. Virtual Wall was wrong. She knew she could make Craig happy. Happier than that brown-haired hussy Danielle, that’s for sure. If only she could find a way to make him see that.

• Dimensions: 3.6″(H) x 13.4″(D)
• Weight: 8.3 lbs

In the box:

• iRobot Roomba 530
• Virtual Wall 
• Self-charging Home Base
• Power Supply (3 hour charge time)
• Rechargeable Nickel Cadmium Battery
• Filter

Woot