Euro-Pro Ninja Warrior Handheld Blender & Food Processor – $39.99

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

It’s A More Common Name Than You Think

Different blade-speeds for different Caseys.

For decades he kept America company through the nights on the airwaves, hosting America’s Top 40. He voiced some of the most familiar and lovable characters of a generation’s youth, like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? and Robin the Boy Wonder on Batman cartoons, SuperFriends episodes, and even Sesame Street. His voice was so ubiquitous that the weekly reading of letters from heart-sick people all over the world dedicating songs to their loved ones became a permanent piece of the zeitgeist. Little did he know the sinister truth behind those letters.

But this story isn’t about that Casey Kasem, except tangentially. It’s about a totally different guy who also happened to be named Casey Kasem.

Lurking inside this Casey Kasem was a darkness. A darkness that the smooth-like-butter voice of his namesake and idol, the famous Casey Kasem, could only hold off for so long. He CRAVED something… sinister. And he did so uncontrollably. In 1972 he took his first life. It was a young man hitch-hiking on a desolate country road. Casey was horror-stricken at what he’d done. In his momentary lapse of willpower he’d ended another life with nothing more than his bare hands. He’d felt the life pulse and throb out of the young drifter. He’d locked eyes with the man and watched as the pupils relaxed.

The next few weeks were hell for Casey Kasem. The unfamous Casey Kasem, we mean, not the noted radio personality. He was glued to the television, convinced that any minute the police would bust in and the the jig would be up. But instead, something far more exhilarating happened. One rainy Sunday, Kasem was listening to America’s Top 40 when his ear was caught by a long-distance dedication: a lonely, wistful woman dedicating a love song to her boyfriend, who had apparently left her. He was supposed to be hitch-hiking his way home along the dusty desert highway of Southern California, but had never shown up. It was him, Kasem knew it. She was dedicating Beverly Bremers’ “Don’t Say You Don’t Remember” to the man he had killed. The coincidence lit a flame of excitement in his chest. Instantly, he craved more.

And so began a nationwide tour leaving destroyed lives in its wake. In every city he visited, Kasem struck. A murder here, an abduction there – sometimes involving his Euro-Pro NJ200 Ninja Warrior Handheld Blender and Food Processor. It was the perfect tool for a man like this particular Casey Kasem: it blended, it chopped, it crushed, it did everything he could want and more.

(If we had to guess, we’d say the better-known Casey Kasem probably enjoyed a Euro-Pro Ninja Warrior, too, based solely on his exquisite taste and his clear commitment to excellence. But we can’t confirm that the disc jockey Casey Kasem has ever used one, much as we would love to be associated with such a beloved cultural icon.)

The letters poured in. Wives missed their husbands. Children missed their mothers. Every week a new dedication asking the famous Kasem to please just let loved ones know, wherever they were now, that they were missed and cared for. It was hard for the non-famous, psycho killer Casey Kasem to contain the frenzied glee each dedication brought him. He would feel his mouth salivating as the words beamed across the countryside. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough. Soon he became dependent on their anguish. The only way the crazy criminal Casey Kasem could fall asleep was listening to his looped tape of heartbroken people seeking musical solace. Beyond his unwitting dedications, the broadcasting professional Casey Kasem had nothing to do with any of this. The names were simply a coincidence.

Look for this and even more gruesome fabricated theories in our brand new book, Real Stories of Horror That We Made Up Involving Someone With The Same Name As A Celebrity So We Could Get a Book Deal, due to be released next month and sued into non-existence shortly after.

Warranty: 1 Year Euro-Pro

Condition: New

Features:

• It may look like a simple immersion blender, but the Ninja Warrior is an indispensable handheld kitchen tool that not only blends, but also chops and even crushes frozen foods
• Unique design makes it the first handheld kitchen tool with the ability to crush ice, turning it into snow in seconds
• Patented Tri-Blade System
• Comes with a storage lid, a splash guard, a 40 ounce processor bowl, and a 32 ounce blending jar… as well as the freedom to blend or crush ice in any container you choose
• Lightweight, maneuverable, versatile, and amazingly fast
  – Purees soups into velvety goodness, blends creamy vinaigrettes, whips up cream, emulsifies mayonnaise or sauces in seconds, creates yummy milkshakes or smoothies, and even makes a perfect pesto
• Easy to clean
  – Simply rinse off the blades and stick in between tasks, and when you’re done for the day, just remove the proprietary detachable triple blade system and put in the dishwasher
  – Plus, there is no need to transfer contents back and forth between sauce pots, bowls, and counter top blenders saving a lot of dirty dishes
• Compact
  – Can be easily tucked into a cabinet or drawer without taking up lots of valuable storage space
• See the Ninja Warrior In Action!

Additional Photos:

• Patented Tri-Blade System
• This thing looks like it could trim your shrubbery! (Woot does not recommend trimming any shrubbery with this device)
• 40 Ounce Processor Bowl with Tri-Blade and Gear Box
• Closeup of Tri-Blade in Processor Bowl
• 32 Ounce Jar with Splash Guard and Storage Lid
• Turbo/On Buttons
• Package Contents
• Packaging

Technical Specifications:

• Voltage: 120V, 60Hz
• Power: 350 Watts
• Blending Shaft Dimensions: 8.5” H x 3” D
• Processor Bowl:
  – 40 ounces (5 cups)
  – 9” H x 6.25” D
• Blending Jar:
  – 32 ounces (4 cups)
  – 7.75” H x 4.75” D
• Power Cord Length: 64” L

In the box:

• (1) Blending Shaft
• (1) Power Head
• (1) 40oz Bowl
• Blade Set
• Gear Box
• (1) 32oz Mixing Jar
• Splash Guard
• Storage Lid
• User Guide / Recipe Booklet

Woot! – One Day, One Deal