Another Dimension: 3-D Cinema We’d Like to See
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Summer movie season is upon us here in the states, which means millions of people will soon be heading to the local 50-screen movie-plex to take in the latest disappointments Hollywood has managed to exude onto the big screen like so much weeping puss. In the quest to get more of your dollars without putting effort into things like finding good writers (not that we’re jealous or anything) and actors, the big shots behind huge production studios have instead bet their money on huge CGI spectacles and, most recently, 3-D.
Because it’s apparently easier to get the same number of people to pay double for a crappy movie than it is to make a better movie that more people will want to pay regular price to see. Aside from the initial whiz-bang factor, people seem to realize that a movie’s either good enough to hold your interest or it isn’t. Roger Ebert has a great column on why it’s a waste of your money, and it’s definitely worth a read if you haven’t seen it yet.
But sometimes you have to stare into the headlight of the oncoming freight train, hold out your arms, and embrace the future. We’re certain 3-D technology isn’t going anywhere until people stop buying it, and with 3-D televisions hitting the market for home viewers, it’s no surprise that studios are trotting out classic films for re-release with new, “amazing” 3-D technology. Here are the flicks we’re most looking forward to:
The Color Purple in 3-D
A story of an African American girl overcoming horrific poverty, racism, and sexism in the early 1900s to discover the power of her womanhood? BOOOOOOOORING! Through the latest technology you’ll see every thwack of Albert’s hand and every caress of Shug’s as if you’re Celie herself!
The Royal Tenenbaums in 3-D
How could you possibly improve on this beautiful, absurdist piece of cinema depicting a broken man finally pulling together his broken family? Eye-popping 3-D! See Margot’s wooden finger come leaping off the screen! Marvel at Raleigh St. Clair’s puzzle pieces! You could almost reach out and touch them!
Shoah: A 3D Experience
Rarely can a film affect human consciousness and evoke such emotion, but this 1985 Holocaust documentary is riveting in its testament to the horrors of genocide and the will of the human spirit to survive. But can it hold your attention? Not a chance! Re-experience one of the greatest films ever made in glorious 3-D, as the faces of weeping survivors leap right off the screen!
Glengarry Glen Ross: 3-D Leads Edition
Sure, David Mamet’s 1984 play won a Pulitzer AND a Tony. But who goes to plays? The borderline-morose look into the lives of salesmen struggling to make the big sale takes on a completely new life in 3-D. That tiny box of a sales office will seem even MORE claustrophobic when a young, jowl-less Alec Baldwin screams profanity as if he’s looking right at you!
12 Angry Men: Juror #3-D Edition
Whose bright idea was it to shoot an entire movie in one room?! This timeless, powerful film about a jury at each other’s throats to build consensus for a verdict had everything except visual flair. You’ll see Ed Begley sweat like never before!
Beaches in 3-D
Is there a more stereotypical chick flick than this 1988 story of friendship and sudden cardiomyopathy? Well now we’ve got a surefire way to keep guys’ attention throughout the film. You’ll find every tearjerking moment even MORE emotional with Barbara Hershey and Bette Midler up close and personal!
Clerks 3-D!
Finally, Kevin Smith’s foul-mouthed, dialogue-driven ode to slacker ennui gets the sequel it always deserved! You’ll enjoy Jay and Silent Bob’s antics like never before! See Dante and Randal debate the semantics of superhero intercourse and the soul-crushing drudgery of work under middle-management types. But in 3-D!
Trainspotting
If ever a movie cried out for 3-D technology, it’s the tale of Mark Renton and his gaggle of heroin addict pals. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll probably turn the thing off when it gets to the toilet scene.
3-D Life is Beautiful
Roberto Benigni’s 1997 story of concentration-camp-survival-by-means-of-playing-pretend was met with a collective “Meh,” from critics, who widely disregarded it as sentimental fluff. What better way to add some weight to the maudlin story than with some super enhanced visuals? You’ll see Guido and Giosue make light of terrible death and terror surrounding them in stunning detail!
The King’s Speech in Th-th-th-three D-d-d-dee
It won the Oscars for best picture, Best Actor, and Best Original Screenplay, among a slew of other awards from the likes of SAG, the Golden Globes, and the BAFTAs. Yet not many people in America went to see it because it’s a historical drama about a British monarch getting speech therapy to overcome a stammer. It’s not as lame as it sounds, but no one’s going to find out unless we get some 3-D Geoffrey Rush action!
There you have it. We’ll be waiting with baited breath for these 3-D masterpieces to hit the shelves of the local Best Buy, but until then: what movie would YOU like to see pointlessly upgraded to 3-D? And would you buy any of the ones listed here? Let us know in the comments!
Thanks to our Shirt.Woot pal Travis Gentry for the animated GIFs!
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