If the Kelty’s A-Rockin: Queen Airbed

Friday, December 7, 2012

In the summer of 2002, a hiker named Kyle McDermott became lost in the Sierra Nevada. For 5 long days, he braved hunger, scorching heat and the relentless threat of wildlife. The following are excerpts from the journal he kept during his harrowing ordeal.

August 13, 2002:
Made it to my first checkpoint. Time to break out the old PVC-Free Sleep Eazy Kelty and get a good night’s rest. Big day tomorrow.

August 14, 2002:
Overslept. Air mattress was a little too comfortable. Gotta hurry or I’ll get behind schedule.

Edit: Decided to take a short cut. Big mistake. Have no idea where I am. Slipped down an embankment and lost my pack. Too dark to continue tonight. At least Kelty 6V still has charge. Gonna sleep it off.

August 15, 2002:
Woken up early by bear trying to eat my face. Wrestled him. Won. Good thing Kelty can withstand higher levels of abrasion. Also, may have eaten some hallucinogenic mushrooms by accident.

Edit: Is urine really sterile? Hope so, because I just drank some. Not mine. The bear’s. Wasn’t that bad. Kinda like warm Schlitz.

Edit: Bear urine is decidedly not sterile.

August 16, 2002:
So hungry. Fading fast. But eternally grateful for my Kelty PVC-free mattress. If it’s going to become a permanent fixture in these mountains, at least I know it’s green OH GOD A HORNET’S NEST!

Edit: Hornets didn’t kill me. Punctured holes in the Kelty. Thankfully, repair kit was included.

Edit: If I don’t make it, tell my sister she can have my room even though she’s a total witch and doesn’t deserve it.

Edit: One time when I was 4, I swiped a roll of butterscotch Lifesavers from the drug store.

Edit: I’m also the one who stomped on that little boy’s prize-winning watermelon.

Edit: And two years ago I slept with my brother’s girlfriend. Sorry, Chad.

Edit: Mom, we all know you’re having an affair with Uncle Dave. That’s why Thanksgiving was so awkward last year. And also why we call him “Uncle Dad.”

August 17, 2002:
Just realized that this whole time I’ve been approximately 30 feet from where I parked my car. Must have made a big circle.

Edit: Totally kidding about all that stuff I said before.

In the box:

(1) Kelty 37450911 Queen Size Sleep Eazy Air Bed includes:

• 6V Rechargeable Pump
• Car Power Adapter
• Wall Charger
• Binto Storage Bag

Woot