Kodak Wireless All-in-One Printer – $99.99

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Bullets Over Crimeville: Cheap Rooms, Cheap Life

“Where to, mac?” the cabbie asks, his bored eyes staring at you from the rearview. If only you knew.

You hadn’t expected the call this morning. You hadn’t expected you’d hear from Billy Crandall, the old army buddy you all called Okie, ever again. You’d kept in touch after the war, of course. He’d even moved to the big city, and what a time you’d had showing him around to the finest watering holes, fleshpots, and after-hours backdoor joints your hometown had to offer. But that was years ago. Your life took one turn and Billy’s took another, and the last you heard, he’d been sent up for a year for stealing a truck full of Kodak Wireless All-in-One Printers.

Sounded to you like the act of a desperate two-bit thief. Kodak Wireless All-in-One Printers were fine and everything, but they weren’t all that expensive anymore. Billy couldn’t have gotten much for them even if he’d pulled off the heist. Even after being in the city so long, he’d still been naive enough to think that wireless, no-PC-necessary printers with built-in duplexers, onboard control panels, and multiple memory-card support were expensive. You can take the kid out of Broken Arrow…

It was no kid’s voice on the phone this morning, though. It was the voice of a frightened man. Maybe it was something that happened to him in the joint. Or maybe it was something that was happening right now. All Billy would tell you was that he had to talk to you, had to see you, it was important, and could you come see him in room 712 at the Carrollton Arms tonight at 8? You told him you could. So what if the Carrollton was the kind of scuzzy flophouse where even the cockroaches seemed to have given up on life? You could endure half an hour of discomfort for the man who’d had your back through all those firefights.

Nobody’d had Billy’s back today. When you pushed on the slightly ajar door to room 712, it creaked open to reveal Billy slumped in a moth-eaten armchair, his head cocked to one side, his eyes staring at eternity. You shouted, slapped his cheeks, grabbed his wrist. No pulse. Billy – your pal Okie – was gone.

But you were still there. The only living man in the room with a dead one. You wanted to know who did this to Billy, find out what he’d been so terrified about, treat the scumbag behind it to a dose of swift, satisfying justice. But you couldn’t do any of that from inside a jail cell.

Moving fast, you turned over the cruddy little room for any clues. There wasn’t much to turn over: a broken bedstead holding a dingy mattress that looked like it had just been hauled in from the alley, a bureau whose drawers revealed nothing when you could finally get them open, the table, a radio, and Billy in his chair. Desperate, you went through Billy’s pockets with a pang of regret. Sorry, Okie. No wallet, no money, no ID, nothing – except an orange matchbook.

Hereford Tavern, it said over a cartoon of a champagne glass. Little cartoon bubbles rose into the orange air and popped, popped like a man’s life after he’s made one too many bad decisions. It gave an address across town, in an even more cutthroat district than this one, and a phone number. On the outside, that was it. You flipped it open. Inside, somebody had written three cryptic letters: BOC.

As evidence, it amounted to nothing, or maybe less, if it pointed you down a blind alley. But it was what you had. You bolted from the Carrollton and flagged down the first hack you saw. So far, so good. Now you had to go somewhere. You pulled the orange matchbook out of your coat pocket and read him the address. The cab pulled away from the curb and pointed toward the Hereford Tavern.

It was everything you hoped it wouldn’t be: a grimy little beer joint with a half-broken neon sign outside, a jar of ancient pickled eggs on the bar, a schedule on the wall for the local ballclub (two years out of date) – and nine faces all wondering what business you have here.

You try the bartender first, since he’s coming toward you anyway. His head is the shape of a fire hydrant and looks twice as hard. “You lost, pal?”

“Maybe you can tell me,” you answer, as honestly as you can. “I’m trying to find somebody who might know an old friend of mine. Billy Crandall. They call him Okie. Called him Okie, I should say. Something bad happened to Billy today and I mean to get to the bottom of it.”

“Best of luck, buddy. Somewhere else.”

“Look, the only thing Billy had on him when he died was a matchbook from this bar, with the letters BOC written inside it. Do those letters mean anything to-”

“Enough,” the bartender snaps. “The public information bureau I ain’t. I’m here to pour drinks. You want advice, try Dear Abby.”

“Look, I’m not a cop. I’m just a guy trying to help out a friend.”

“Yeah, well, that ain’t me. I got no friends. You wanna ask around in here, I won’t stop you, as long as you’re a paying customer. But keep in mind, most people don’t stop in here for the delightful conversation. Now what’ll it be?”

You order a rye, neat, and size up your fellow patrons. They don’t seem like the most forthcoming bunch. But Billy had that matchbook on him for a reason, and this is as good a place as any to start figuring out what that reason was – and what BOC might mean.

Do you talk to the hotheaded, hairy-chested petty mobster at the back table?

Or the red-faced cop with the tarnished badge at the end of the bar?

Or the scowling old schoolmarm who just walked in behind you?

Or the weaselly hustler in the stained shirt?

Or the fresh young blonde waiting around to be discovered by Hollywood?

Or the sultry brunette with the eyepatch and the cigarette holder?

Or the dandy in spats swinging his watch chain?

Or the tired, wrinkly stripper wearing too much makeup?

Warranty: 1 Year Kodak

Condition: New

Features:

• All-in-one printer prints, copies, scans and faxes via phone line and PC for convenience
• The Kodak Pic Flick App is a free application for your iPhone or iPod touch device that allows you to effortlessly print stored pictures wirelessly. Also available for Blackberry and Android 2.2
• Intuitive control panel gives you quick and easy access to tasks you use the most
• Extremely simplified Wi-Fi setup – effortlessly connect to wireless networks at home or at the office
• View and print photos with or without a computer using the 2.4-inch 9600 dpi color display
• Copies up to 27 cpm in black, up to 26 cpm in color
• Flatbed scanner with 24-bit color plus a scan resolution up to 2400 dpioptical to reproduce exact colors and large documents
• Convert scanned documents to editable text eliminating the need to type documents over
• Built-in memory card slots support CompactFlash I/II, Secure Digital, Secure Digital High Capacity, MultiMediaCard, xD-Picture Card, Memory Stick and Memory Stick PRO formats
• Fax in as fast as 3 seconds per page (stores up to 60 phone numbers; 100-page memory)
• Access printable templates with just a touch – designs include graph paper, line paper, wide ruled paper, tic-tac-toe, to-do list, grocery list, and sheet music (portrait and landscape)
  
• Save on average $ 110/year on ink with this printer

Additional Photos:

• Printer in Opened Position
• LCD Display & Control Panel
• Automatic Document Feeder
• Paper Tray Extended
• Flatbed Scanner
• Printhead
• Memory Card Slots
• Duplexer Pulled Out
• Output Tray
• Power & Data Connections
• Package Contents
• Packaging

In the box:

• Kodak ESP 9250 Wireless All-in-One Printer
• 5-Ink Color Cartridge
• Black Ink Cartridge
• AC Adapter
• Fax Cable Cord
• All-in-One Printer Software CD
• Startup Guide

Woot! – One Day, One Deal