Raising Awareness

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

If you choose to be a hoodie carpenter, you will begin your journey through life with slightly less money. However, you will be able to fix your own wagon tongues, and will gain membership into a local carpenter’s union. Plus, you’ll be warm and cozy. Plus, Jesus was a carpenter! That’s pretty rad.

If you choose to be a banker from Boston with a t-shirt, you’ll start with more money, but your “score” at the end of life will not be as high, because you wore a t-shirt to your banking job. Seriously, what were you thinking? Times have changed, but banking is banking and you’ve got to look respectable.

Of course, you could always choose to be a farmer from Illinois and not wear a shirt at all, but would immediately lose at life. Not only is small-scale agriculture a near impossibility in the era of agribusiness, but you’re putting yourself at serious risk of skin cancer going shirtless in the fields all day. Tsk tsk.

Wear this shirt: until it hangs loosely over your dysentery-ravaged body.

Don’t wear this shirt: as you wade into Soda Springs. It’s gauche. 

This shirt tells the world: “Remember how funny gruesome death seemed in 5th grade?”

We call this color: You shot a black bear! And four rabbits! And a squirrel! And two deer! And…you’re a cold-blooded monster!

Woot