Sean University: Clear and Presentation Danger
Friday, September 30, 2011
As many of you heard, there was a really important press conference the other day concerning the future endeavors of an internet juggernaut. That’s right – to the eager audience of my two cats, I announced that I would write a Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership (SAUBMDL) blog post for this week just like I did last week, and that I would strive to make the content as brilliant and insightful and the pictures as amazingly vivid as you’ve come to expect over the last couple months. This is truly groundbreaking news, and I hope that you’ll all take a moment to join me in congratulating myself for being brave enough to keep doing the same thing as before.
When you start your own business, you’re going to have to make big important announcements at press conferences too. If this seems intimidating, that makes sense; in a recent survey, researchers discovered that public speaking is the second most common fear among adults. In fact, it was only narrowly beaten out for first place by “public speaking in front of an audience of mountain lions.”
But, don’t be afraid. I’ll make it easier by answering some of the most common questions about public speaking at press conferences…
What’s the difference between public speaking and normal speaking?
In public speaking, you stand behind a podium, which means no one can see your legs, which means you have to work extra hard to make sure you keep people engaged because everyone’s already distracted wondering a) if you even have legs at all and b) if they’re robot legs.
I need to hold a press conference to announce my company’s new French press. How do I welcome people into the French Press Press Conference without people thinking I’m stuttering?
Simple, just say “press” once but take twice as long as usual to say it.
If I hold a press conference to unveil my company’s newest product, and it’s a dictionary, how can I trust that everyone will understand the words I’m using to announce it?
You can’t. That’s why you show some pictures with only simple words, like this one:
I’m planning on having my vocal chords removed because they’re just too damn distracting. Will this hinder my ability to speak at press conferences?
No! There is still a way! Just grow a mustache that covers your mouth so no one can see whether it’s moving or not, and then play a recording of someone else giving a press conference. (The fun part is, you can hire a really awesome celebrity to read for you, and then everyone will be like, “Wow, I didn’t expect that guy to sound so much like Benicio Del Toro!”)
Is it true that you’re supposed to imagine the audience naked?
No, you’re supposed to imagine that you’re naked, so then if you mess something up, you can tell yourself, “Not bad for a naked guy!”
Oh no! It’s me, the French press guy again! I didn’t see your response until just now! When I held the conference, I tried to just say press twice really quickly, but then I accidentally said it three times. What should I do?
The great thing about press conferences is that you’re announcing things that other people don’t know about. So if you say something wrong, don’t admit you made a mistake. Just run with it. Looks like you’ll have to start designing a French press that presses other French presses. Good luck!
If you’ll be meeting the press and/or facing the nation in the near future, for God’s sake, don’t go anywhere near a microphone without asking me for help in the discussion thread. They’ll tear you apart like a pack of jackals, who are actually way more incisive questioners than mountain lions.
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