Sean University: Zombie or not Zombie? That is the question for your business.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Two letters might not sound like much, but they can totally change your meaning. For example, there’s a big difference between saying “I cycle to work” and “I recycle to work.” The first means you ride a bike, and the second means you’ve found a way to make old bottles and cans into a means of transportation.

Along the same lines, if you say, “business is pretty dead these days,” that’s totally different than if you say, “business is pretty undead these days.” In one case, you’re saying things at work are slow; in the other case, you’re saying you run a business whose customer base is primarily zombies.

• Enforce a “No Biting Employees” policy now. Then later, if you kick a zombie out because they try to bite you, they can’t claim that you’re discriminating against them for one of their long-standing customs.

• Remember: if you market too much towards zombies now, you’ll go out of business before the apocalypse even happens. On the other hand, if you market too much towards normal people now and then switch your focus to zombies later, you’ll just seem like someone who rides fads. That’s why it’s important start with a marketing strategy for both zombies and to humans. For example, a “brain trauma center” is too living-person-centric and a “brain buffet” is too zombie-centric, so you should call it a “brain transplant buffet” to please everyone.

• Try to avoid any business where you might need to go down to a dark, spooky basement to get supplies.

• Start spreading rumors among your customers now that your brain tastes better than anyone else’s. That way, when all of your customers turn to zombies, they’ll want to save your brain for last, giving you extra time to earn some cold, hard cash!

• Dead, alive, or sort-of in-between, everyone needs haircuts. Think about that!

• Force yourself to fall in love with someone who groans and limps a lot. It’ll make the transition to a zombie customer base much easier; whenever one of those gross, mangled creatures comes through the door, you’ll just sigh longingly and say, “You’re just like my Cynthia!”

• Milk these zombies for all they’re worth! Zombies are lesser beings than humans, after all, so it’s fair game! I mean, when has anyone ever spoken up about big businesses taking advantage of the little people?

These tips are all pretty general, so if you tell me about your business in the comments, I’ll tell you how to make it zombie-friendly and human-safe in the comments.

Woot! – One Day, One Deal