Stay Afraid, The Math-pture Is Coming
Monday, May 23, 2011
There are two things most people can agree on about calculus. One, the guy who created it was clearly a super-genius. And two, learning it can really make you hope for the end of the world. This is why no one should be surprised that Sir Isaac Newton, the man who invented “The Calculus” pretty much by himself, also wrote a pamphlet on the End Times. His date of choice? 2060.
Don’t stop worrying yet, people. More details inside…
Okay, we were just kidding about the worrying part. Before everyone gets crazy, let’s put this in perspective. Newton wrote this little proof back in 1705, before radio, television, or even America. Dungeons and Dragons was still two centuries away, Risk wouldn’t show up until 1957, even the first tea room wouldn’t show up for another year! No video games, no DVDs, no Star Trek marathons… look, to fully understand what this would mean, imagine the worst family Thanksgiving you’ve ever had. Then imagine it in the dark, powered only by candles, and lasting for years and years. In that situation, it’s easy to see why, for 1705, Numerology and Alchemy weren’t so much a crazy idea as a great way to avoid yet another conversation about how the potatoes were coming up. Is it any wonder they were all the rage?
When Issac Newton sat down and wrote this pamphlet and “proved” that the world would end in 2060, he wasn’t totally 100% serious. You’re on the Internet right now, so you probably know how fan fiction works. Someone knows the canon, comes up with an idea, starts puzzling it out, and eventually, it just happens. Even Newton knew he was just writing “What If Wolverine Met Buffy” in mathematical form. He didn’t even fully believe it himself. But don’t let the author’s rationality keep you from your panic. 2060! End times! Dooooom!
Since Sir Issac predates Mickey Mouse, you can exercise your fair use rights and read the book for free. True scholars might note that our link skips past the 128 page introduction, but please don’t take that as an insult, Ghost of Sir William Whitla. We’ll also linking to the main Open Library page for all those who might want to download the whole thing to their reader-of-choice.
Maybe you’ll find some mistake in Newton’s math, or maybe you’ll be impressed with all the work he did, or maybe you’ll just post “Lame post, epic fail, Woot.” because you can’t be bothered to type anything original. Hey, it’s Monday, it happens. Just be aware that there’s still a sword hanging over our heads after we survive 2012 and 2038. That’s right, the game called life just got an expansion pack! Download the update! Enjoy the new forty nine year track as we race toward the end! Randy Savage won’t save us this time! Repent and do math! Repent and do math!
Comments
Comments are closed.