The Dumbest Red Hot Chili Peppers Lyrics of All Time

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

In honor of their new album coming out August 30, I have a filthy confession to make: I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I can still remember hearing “Knock Me Down” on the radio when I was cleaning my room as a kid and thinking, “whoever this is, I want to hear more of it.” I remember being grounded when my mom heard the lyrics to “Sir Psycho Sexy” coming from my speakers. I was hooked at first listen: John Frusciante’s chicken peck guitar riffs, Flea’s slap-happy bass licks, Chad Smith’s frenetic percussion, and Anthony Kiedis’s…uh, lyrics.

As a kid and teenager, RHCP lyrics were amazing: they flowed like water in, around, and throughout the music. I bought the back catalog, bootlegs, and every subsequent effort and pored over the liner notes, memorizing every single lyric. I cannot remember my wedding vows, but I can sing “Get Up and Jump” without missing a single intonation. I damn near got an Apache rose tattoo in high school; thankfully I chickened out and got something equally as silly-looking that was at least my own and not some other dude’s tattoo. The point I’m trying to make here is that I really, truly, genuinely love this band. Somewhere along the line, though, they turned into my generation’s Aerosmith: a bunch of shirtless, aging rockers touring stadiums across America to a huge, dedicated collective of fans who are widely derided by the younger, hipper types as lame. So if you’re an easily-butt-hurt fan, maybe just watch the videos and enjoy the B-sides rather than taking it too seriously.

Arguments about the validity of your favorite band rarely turn out well, but I can usually get people to concede that the music is, or at least WAS at one point on one song or album, good. They’ll grudgingly agree that Flea and John Frusciante (even though he’s departed from the band) make good music “even if it’s not what I’m into.” There’s one area I cannot get anyone to budge on, though. The lyrics. And you know what? Even as a guy who has idolized these guys since I was a kid, the haters have a point. I try to justify it, “it’s more about the sounds than the words, you need a word with an ‘or’ sound, he just decided to use ‘unicorn.’ But it flows!” Sometimes though, you just have to admit the other guy’s right. So with that in mind, here is my (lovingly-) compiled list of The Dumbest Red Hot Chili Pepper Lyrics Ever…
 

1. “When it’s written in Britain / We get a little smitten / Like a kitten the cuddle is where I’m benefittin’.” – Mercy Mercy
2. “Low brow is how / Swimming in the sound / of Bow Wow Wow” – Suck My Kiss
3. “Did you meet your fortune teller / Get it off with no propellor / Do it up it’s always stellar / What a way to finally smell her” – The Zephyr Song
4. “You’ve got your bit part Mozart / Hot dart acceleration / Pop art pistol chasin’ / Cat fight intimidation” – Minor Thing
5. “Wake up the cake / It’s a lake, she’s kissing me / As they do / When they do in Sicily” – Around the World
6. “Grass hopper show stopper / The life of a wife swapper / Come with me ’cause I’m a Big Bopper / You do but I whopper” – Get on Top
7. “Give it up to this planet full of strife / We’re the brothers’ cup cuttin’ sharp as a knife / With the pop of a snap and the flip of a flap / The cups went up like a natural fact” – The Brothers’ Cup
8. “The one and only known / Of his kind sits in a throne / Not for the records that he holds / But for being bald and bold” – Magic Johnson
9. “Ridin’ down the path on the back of a giraffe / Me and the giraffe laughed ’cause I passed some gas” – Nobody Weird Like Me
10. “Meet me at the coffee shop / We can dance like Iggy Pop / Another go in the parking lot / Frewak the cheek on your hot spot” – Coffee Shop
11. “Ooze into into my noodle / East or West shepherd or poodle / Ladybug pine tree / To mingle with the bumblebee / A lover to the sun / And a brother to the cool breeze” – One Big Mob
12. “Who will be my Eskimo / It’s what I wanna know / It’s time to undergo / Somewhere in Mexico / I’m making room for you / A simple point of view / Someone to defer to” – Eskimo
13. “How could I forget to mention / The bicycle is a good invention / Sitting there in a silent movie / Beside the only girl who really ever knew me / Happy days but sad her face / Heaven knows I’m on the case / How could I forget to mention the bicycle” – Bicycle Song
14. “Number three reason why I’m in your house / Hot butter melts across your mouth / Dancin’ and a dancin’ and a dancin’ machine / Somebody move somebody scream” – Fat Dance
15. “As I walked out into the world I felt a sudden chill / I was bleedin’ pretty good onto a daffodil” – Out of Range
16. “Gravity-free as she looks at her / Hottest on the mattress full of anti-matter / You never left a very mellow impression / Your smell or your go to hell expression / Quixotic elixir might / But it probably will not fix your bite / Tell me now tell me how / Did I get your lipstick on my kite” – Quixoticelixir
17. “I am just a lousy bum / Searching for the unknown crumb / The crumb the crumb / Something or someone to come / Come along illuminate my lust / Combust / Confucius might have been confused / And Buddha might have blown a fuse / I ooze the muse” – Coffee Shop
18. “Keystone cops and the billy bob chops / Gonna scare my kids gonna share my crops” – Save This lady
19. “You could do it at the hippodrome / Slide back trombone / Anybody got a TV tome / That’s right unknown” – Charlie
20. “Must’ve been a hundred miles / And any of a hundred styles / It’s not about the smile you wear but / The way we make out” – Hump De Bump
21. “She’s got that mood ring / A little sister rose / Smell of Springsteen / A pair of pantyhose” – She’s Only 18
22. “Picaboo Street in Timbuktu / Do I need to repeat that a boy named Sue / Rockin’ to the beat of the kangaroo / Let me kiss your feet and forehead too” – One Big Mob
23. “The will of God is standing still / Brazilian children get their fill / Let’s go” – Torture Me
24. “A rainy Lithuanian / Who’s dancing as an Indian / Painted in my tiger skin / Especially in Michigan” – Especially in Michigan
25. “A disenchanted diplomat / Asleep inside a laundromat / Conveyor belts are moving / And I want you to be sure of that” – C’mon Girl
26. “We could all go down to Malibu and make some noise / Coca-Cola doesn’t do the justice she enjoys” – Desecration Smile
27. “Strangulation / Altercation / Oral sex and bird migration” – 21st Century
28. “I’ve got a sister makin’ babies / With a Black & Decker blowtorch / We’re gonna fop it all night / In the middle of the back porch” – Readymade
29. “You try to be a lady / But you’re walkin’ like a sauerkraut” – Storm in a Teacup
30. “Bear paws and rascal power / Watching us in your garage / Big girl you ate the neighbor / The nova is over” – Death of a Martian

Got even better examples of bad lyrics? Want to whine and complain that I made fun of your favorite band? Jealous of all my super awesome RHCP b-sides? Let me know in the comments!

Woot! – One Day, One Deal